Have you ever wondered if you were crazy? Sometimes sanity lies in assuming you are. I have what some dumbass call an Asperger Syndrom.
I don't have a syndrom, I can travel back and forth from the land of symbols. I can tell stories equally consistent that may be true of false. When walking this land, I am totally engulfed in another reality.
Let me tell you a story that may be true, or false. I don't know myself where the truth is. And as far as I concerned I don't tell the truth, I tell you a fictional story.
I do recognize what is said about Asperger is true: I can't decypher facial expressions, we are crippled when it comes to feel empathy. This part of the brain seems to be cut from its natural final destination. Brains rewire. Human adapt. We have a part of the brain specialized in symmetry/pattern/singularity recognition that is left unused in our early ages.
We use this part of the brain for other things we get attracted to: flows, mechanisms, music, drawing. When this part of the brain activate, we have the same feelings as if we saw expressions. We crave to see forms in symbols that are the evocation of positive feelings. Regularities, symmetries, pattern of symbols are triggering in our brains their human counterparts.
As young people, we are avid of knowledge, symbols, all field that attract us. A world of symbols slowly mature. We have mutiple maps slowly building in our imagination.
We also need rituals that are yet immutable but varying to bring us our fix of input. We constantly saturate our brain with informations, avidly looking for patterns. Sometimes given certain conditions (sleep deprivation, some emotional pattern), we can fully snap in the world of symbols.
All our circuitry is temporally rewired for analysis: verbal circuits, facial recognition, emotions, pain, sensations all get rewired. And then, we can travel as if we were in the symbols themselves. We can travel our imagination as if it was the true world.
Causality, facts, informations all get intuitively accessible through all day life experience. We walk the map. We have the very feeling to know the truth behind the reality. However, the path is made of orbital with bifurcations each one leading to a contradicting truth. That's why I call this world the world of illusions. I can loose myself there, that's why I repeat so often the mantra of the map and territory. I can distinguish both world. Both are equally false. And I travel on the fine line of sanity.
My rewired and saturated circuits are anarchically generating signals in my brains. It triggers as a side effect emotion, pleasure and pain in a way I can't control. It is intoxicating. It feels like a trip under strong hallucinogens.
Not to loose myself, I need in the real world a passeur. Someone that helps me take the safe way, that helps me deliver my visions so that I don't overload. My expressions are being clearly so influenced by the intoxication that I need someone to decypher all I can say that don't make sense.
I also need him or her so that I can trust her not to make me take the dark paths. Some experiences are best avoided. Who wants to know the actual feeling of death for instance?
The bound is the one of talking. The language is halfway through imagination and reality. It is a journey. I feel like being a weird computer semi directing the calculation operated by someone in communion.
I know it is false, it is only a story. And like any story it ends.
When it ends, the saturation of my brains is followed by an intense relaxation. I can feel the world, the emotions, the wind on my skin as if it was the first time. I sometimes have the feeling to be able to distinguish the emotions of people by watching their face. I can cry and laugh. By coming back, I have a short time walking your world. I am normal, for once. Until, a new crisis will come back. In between, I will be a freak that will be lost in between. Experiencing glimmers of both worlds. With no joys or emotions. I will be a zombie, but nobody will see me as I am when I walk the forest of the symbols.
When it happens, I feel both like a shaman, and a plain fool. And I wonder, if it is crazy, or true. I don't know. I only know these moment of inspirations are frightening the normal people. That they fear us, or fear (for good reasons) we may definitely loose our sanity.
The only thing I know is, that it may be a delirium or a self induced hallucination, but is fucking cool.
I am not like you, I may be crazy, I may see truths that are untold, but I don't care: I can travel in places you will never see. I can walk the path of my imagination without any drugs.